G'mar tov?

Each year, this time of year becomes more and more disappointing and empty. When I was young, I belived my teachers to some extent and did view each year as a chance at a clean slate. I did believe that I could change, and that my life could change accordingly. Even though I could not live up to my resolutions, I believed that even if I had the right intentions God would take pity on me and reward me. So I always tried. I am not saying that I never sinned or was a tzadekes. But I tried. I had to or I would think Yo Kippur was a joke, and God would know it, and my teshuva would not count (ehta v'az ashuv doesn't count.) I avoided sin at every turn and even pushed doubts out of my mind; I felt guilty if I did doubt, and that guilt served as a somewhat effective barrier.

Of course, it was not only guilt. I think that what lay at the heart of every devotion, guarding from sin, and avoidance of guilt was fear. Fear that if Yom Kippur did in fact seal my fate for a whole year, I had to do the right thing. Otherwise, my life would be a mess, and it would be my fault. All I had to do to avoid it was repent and that would save me. Of course, a lot of the liturgy is very effective with this approach. How could one who is fearful not feel terror at hearing U'nsanneh tokef? And who is not then filled with hope and relief when we hear: ותשובה ותפלה וצדקה מעבירין את רע הגזרה. Of course I'd want to repent and was hopeful that through repentance my bakashos would be answered. And so I tried, and I davened, and the davening moved me.

But with all these devotions and efforts, my life has turned out to be only a series of tragedies and failures. The k'lalos of the Torah always seem to happen, but never the b'rakhos. At night I wait for day, at day for night. I work hard but nothing bears fruit. I see these tragedies and it hurts, and there is nothing I can do. No matter how hard I tried to do the right thing, God has always been there to punish me. As we read in Ekha, דוב ארב הוא לי.

So I can no longer stand self-abnegation. I will suffer no matter what. Waiting for Olam habba is too much; I need to deal with my life now. And I can no longer be hopeful that God will reward me: I am resigned that my life will only get worse. So I cannot take u'nsanneh tokef seriously anymore. I do not feel awe. I do not tremble. I only go through the motions. Yes, I enjoy the davening. I have come to feel an attachment to rituals I grew up with. I could never imagine not fasting or going to shul on Yom Kippur. But it no longer motivates me; it has become meaningless to my life.

Whereas most Jews (and I used to as well) live by the mantra גם כי אלך בגיא צלמות לא אירא רע כי אתה עמדי I now live by a different גם
גם כי אזעק ואשוע שתם תפלתי

To everyone else, I wish a g'mar hasima tova. But I know I'm in the bad book.